Have you ever walked down 24th and Mission in San Francisco and get beat by some angry little pendejos for wearing the wrong color jacket? Ever get shot in the culo by some ass clown with pants worn so low it looks like he done dookied on himself? Ever been to East L.A. and gotten harassed by “una mendiga desgraciada” and her ugly, ironically named fat friend “La Tiny”? Chances are if you live in a Latino community, you’ve encountered CHOLOS. Cholos are to Latinos what underachieving morons are to every other race. Cholos can generally be described as being like Homies characters – one dimensional caricatures completely lacking in personality and living in a world of their own. On the other hand, PANDILLEROS, or gang members, are also like Homies, only with actual prison records. Every group of people needs a criminal element, and Latinos have pandilleros, all of whom are cholos – though not all cholos are necessarily pandilleros. The usual presence of tattoos, weapons, scars, and sore anal sphincters from dropping the soap one too many times help to distinguish actual gang members from those who claim to be gang members. Nevertheless, they are all a bunch of cholos and for the sake of clarity we’ll call them that throughout this guide.
Cholos are surprisingly entrepreneurial people. Ever the champions of the capitalist spirit, they’ve got their mind on their money…and vice versa. They are leaders in the practice of free market economics, as most of their daily transactions function outside the mainstream in what has been unfairly labeled the “black market”. Expect great prices on watches, stereos, bikes, cannibis, crack, etc., most of which is made possible by relaxed rules concerning “legitimacy” and “theft”. Thanks to this laizzez-faire system unfettered by the wasteful hand of government bureaucracy, they generate enough untaxed revenue to fund important social endeavors, such as the acquisition and furnishing of 20 inch rims. Unfairly accused by whiny residents of “dealing death to kids” or “perpetuating the ruin of poor communities”, these resilient role models are a beacon of hope to anyone who has ever dreamt of making enough money to have gold surgically grafted to your tooth enamel.
Location is key in the struggle to aquire wealth, and cholos know how to take advantage of opportunities when they see them. Based in low income minority communities, they set up shop on every corner to cater to the special needs of crackheads, stoners, and elementary school students. Ever protective of their land, they frequently mark their territory, just so there’s no misunderstanding as to what “set” they claim. They often stake their claim in calligraphic prose known as “tagging” and yes, sometimes they’ll piss on a tree trunk.
Threatening their territory or simply being at the wrong place at the wrong time can earn you a bad case of the 187. The worst crime, however, is having the wrong fits on. If you’re caught wearing blue or red you’re liable to get your “cap peeled”. Cholos take their fashion seriously and in fact have been at the forefront of style and fashion, as evidenced by the 15 year old trend of crap sagging pants on men, visible thongs and Sharpie eyebrows on women. Cholos can’t stand bad fashion sense and wearing the color red on 16th and Mission is a big fashion faux pas. Surenos (meaning “South Siders”) represent Southern California, though for a gang currently active in San Francisco, Eureka, and Sacramento, the irony is completely lost on them. In San Francisco they own the territory from 16th and Mission to about 20th and Mission. Nortenos (meaning “North Siders”) claim the Northern part of California. In San Francisco you can spot Nortenos lazily hanging about the corner of 24th and Mission or Capp, no doubt musing on the irony of being geographically south of 16th and Mission and calling themselves “Nortenos”.
Avoiding trouble with your neighborhood cholo is a matter of being street smart. Here are a few hints that might help.
– Try wearing neutral colors. Green can bring out the color in your eyes. But if you really want to have some fun, dress in both red AND blue. Watch the cholos go crazy trying to figure out what to do with you. It’s fun!
– Try not to make direct eye contact, as some cholos consider this a sign of hostility and may open a can of whoop ass. Or they might smell the fear on you and open a can of whoop ass – I forget which one.
– Pack as much heat as possible.
– Robbing a liquor store is a fun way to earn yourself major props from the homies.
– NEVER throw up a hand sign unless it’s a middle finger and it’s not directed at a cholo. Serious injury may result.
– If you’re ever asked where you’re from, just say “Beirut, mothafucka!”
– White people and hipsters will NEVER be mistaken for a cholo, but cholos might kick your ass anyway just for fun. Try to stay out of the hood as much as possible. Do as the white people usually do and roll up your windows if you drive past the barrio.
– And always remember that cholos have priority seating on the back of the bus. Be courteous.
If you’re a female with a nice booty, you’re going to get hooted and hollared at – there’s no way around it. In that case, a swift kick to the huevos should work just fine. Keep in mind that cholos are a nocturnal bunch and gang rapes are not uncommon – boys will be boys! Mace has proven just as effective as a kick to the huevos. I recommend you use the” mace/huevo-kick” combo attack for best results.
Of course, if you can’t handle the constant badgering by cholos, consider joining them! Joining is easy* and it’s FREE! Plus, you get a cool nickname like “Lil’ Dreamer”, “La Shy Gurl”, or “La Tough Bitch”. All you have to do is choose a color! Contact your nearest cholo today and join in the fun that’s already claimed and ruined the lives of thousands of Latinos! Do it now!
*murder, gang rape and/or beating may be required.
Congratulations, San Francisco. Now getting royally fucked in the ass around here is a metaphorical concept too!
I should note that there’s probably nobody more liberal than me. Nobody. Affirmative action? My people pick grapes to survive; don’t bitch and moan over losing work to a beaner. Gays? I wish every dude in the world jumped out the closet in a feather boa singing “We Are Family” – more chicks for me. Weed? Sure it has no medicinal purpose, but then again, neither does Viagra and that shit’s probably killed more people than a dimesack of white rhino ever has.
Having said that, you Frisco hippies almost make me reconsider my position on weed. Almost. I’m all for the strict regulation of guns, but not a complete fucking ban on them! This new law is essentially asking people to turn in their guns voluntarily, on their own accord. Let that shit sink in for a minute. Does it sound like genius, or shit-for-brains stupidity? I’m sure a voter approved initiative is just the thing Lil’ Puppet and La Shy Gurl needed to turn over a new leaf. No really, if I’m ever walking down the wrong side of Third Street and I get mugged, dude will probably have to shank me to death because he turned in his 9mm like a good law abiding citizen. Never in your fucking life will you ever hear, “I’d bust a cap in yo ass…but I just turned in my street sweeper yesterday!” Since when do I give a shit if the old granny down the street has a glock? She ain’t running up and down my block screaming “NORTE, PUTO!” If you think these fucks are going to turn in their guns, I’ve got a share of Enron stock I’d like to sell you.
And if none of that convinces you, let this little morsel sink in the next time you’re getting the Rodney King treatment – now only the cops are allowed to have guns. Good fucking luck.