Time to bash illegal immigrants again – and just in time to distract the teeming masses from the crackdown on Wall Street! I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, by the way…
But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that lawmakers in this country would literally pass a law so blatantly fascist. SB1070, the new law signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer, is a 1940s Germany throwback, a law that actually makes it legal for a cop to ask you for papers if you “look” like an illegal immigrant. Never did I imagine that many people would support such a law. But in a country whose people approved the use of waterboarding and torture, it really should not have surprised me. But it did. Now I know for a fact that despite our Constitution and reputation as a freedom-loving nation, as long as we have half a population that can find the gall to defend the indefensible, then it is entirely possible for us to fall into the grips of blank-faced fascism – if we haven’t already. I thought it was that people were just ignorant and misinformed. But perhaps once something like this happens, they simply accept it and find a way to live with it, make excuses for it, or defend it entirely. If you’re a conservative in America (my apologies to William Buckley, who would have been appalled by such a vicious law), you and your kind defend this law, despite the fact that it clearly violates the 14th amendment of the Constitution. After all, you defended the Patriot Act.
Why is it always the same old Gran Torino ass lames that constantly ride our nuts? They love to talk about how illegal immigrants are “breaking our laws”. Notice the lack of a MORAL argument. That’s because there is no morality in deporting hard workers whose only crime it was to ignore some stupid rules so that they could FEED their fucking families. The laws being broken here amount to JAYWALKING when compared to the laws being broken by Wall Street – where’s your righteous anger now, dipshits? All this talk about “breaking our laws” is little more than a euphemistic veil to hide their racism.
Need more proof? Rachel Maddow unveils the roots of this immigration law.
Yeah…no racism there. And Tea-Baggers aren’t racist either. Right.
I mentioned somewhere in the title of this post that Arizona caught an “L”. In modern lingo, that means they’ve earned “Loser” status. If Governor Jan Brewer does not repeal this law, they can expect to catch more losses than they bargained for. I support a full scale boycott on goods made in Arizona until this law is overturned. Let’s boycott the shit out of them.
Here’s a partial list of companies that reside in Arizona:
2011 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, Location: Chase Field, Phoenix, AZ
Arizona Diamondbacks, Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Best Western International, Inc., Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona
Cold Stone Creamery, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona
CSK Auto (Checker Auto Parts, Schucks Auto Supply, Kragen Auto Parts, Murray’s Discount Auto Stores), Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona
Dial Corporation, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona
Discount Tire Company (America’s Tire Company), Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona
Fender Musical Instruments Corporation, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona
Go Daddy, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona
P. F. Chang’s China Bistro, Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona
PetSmart, Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona
Sky Mall, Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona
Taser International, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona
U-Haul, Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona
US Airways, Headquarters: Tempe, Arizona
While Bush is off trying to win the hearts and minds of Latin America (read: PR campaign to offset the growing influence of Hugo Chavez), he made a quick stop in Guatemala where he was greeted by the eternally grateful locals with rose petals and green palms as he rode in on his ass. Of course he couldn’t see where he was going because it’s hard to see with his head that far up his trusty steed. While in Guatemala the locals gave him a hard time about our government’s anti-immigrant efforts. Bush took a minute to espouse the virtues of the guest worker program and for some reason I found it necessary to drop-kick my TV.
The proposed guest worker program pretty much amounts to the continued exploitation of Mexican illegal immigrants in the form of below minimun wage pay (which makes corporations happy), while denying them actual citizenship for all their hard labor – and even giving them a boot after a few years (which makes white trash rednecks happy). As you can see, it satisfies both sides of the Republican constituency – big business and xenophobes.
Here’s a thought – how about you grant them ALL amnesty? Make them permanent residents so that they can actually feed their kids now, and not in the 9 years it will take for the fucking federal government to get around to their citizenship papers. Where’s the fucking humanity? A man has GOT to provide for his family somehow – more power to any man who loves his family so much that he’s willing to brave long, arduous periods of relentless walking; a merciless, scorching desert; and trigger-happy hillbillies with shotguns, just so he can provide for them, without the benefit of even seeing them when he finally comes home from work. This isn’t a crime, it’s a tragedy.
“But they’re breaking The Law!!!”
I love it when Republicans use this argument because the only thing that trumps a humanitarian perspective is an appeal to my utmost humble respect for law and order. It’s also a perfect argument because it conveniently side-steps their hidden (and, as is evident at any Minuteman rally, not so hidden) racism. It’s so cute how the same crooked assholes who got us involved in 2 illegal wars, widespread illegal wiretapping and surveillance in direct violation of constitutional law, Enron, pedophile congressmen, Tom Delay and that creepy trenchcoat guy with the fedora, still dare invoke “The Law” as a real argument. Nevermind that it was also once illegal to teach black people how to read, drink alcohol, or allow closet-Republicans the right to engage in kinky butt-play with their underage male interns in the privacy of their own bathhouses. I have a sinking feeling, however, that if all migrant workers were granted amnesty (thus making them “legal”), these pricks would still throw a fit.
Remember that movie “The Day After Tomorrow”? Remember what happens in the end after the entire US becomes a ski resort? Guess where Americans get to live as refugees for the next thousand years? Here’s a hint: it’s not Canada. How ironic, perhaps even fitting, is it that Americans find themselves illegally crossing the Rio Grande into Mexico so as to avoid falling victims to a humanitarian crisis back home? I guess what I’m getting at is that I can’t wait for a series of freak ice storms to turn the US into a barren, inhospitable wasteland of ice. Or something like that.
Have you ever walked down 24th and Mission in San Francisco and get beat by some angry little pendejos for wearing the wrong color jacket? Ever get shot in the culo by some ass clown with pants worn so low it looks like he done dookied on himself? Ever been to East L.A. and gotten harassed by “una mendiga desgraciada” and her ugly, ironically named fat friend “La Tiny”? Chances are if you live in a Latino community, you’ve encountered CHOLOS. Cholos are to Latinos what underachieving morons are to every other race. Cholos can generally be described as being like Homies characters – one dimensional caricatures completely lacking in personality and living in a world of their own. On the other hand, PANDILLEROS, or gang members, are also like Homies, only with actual prison records. Every group of people needs a criminal element, and Latinos have pandilleros, all of whom are cholos – though not all cholos are necessarily pandilleros. The usual presence of tattoos, weapons, scars, and sore anal sphincters from dropping the soap one too many times help to distinguish actual gang members from those who claim to be gang members. Nevertheless, they are all a bunch of cholos and for the sake of clarity we’ll call them that throughout this guide.
Cholos are surprisingly entrepreneurial people. Ever the champions of the capitalist spirit, they’ve got their mind on their money…and vice versa. They are leaders in the practice of free market economics, as most of their daily transactions function outside the mainstream in what has been unfairly labeled the “black market”. Expect great prices on watches, stereos, bikes, cannibis, crack, etc., most of which is made possible by relaxed rules concerning “legitimacy” and “theft”. Thanks to this laizzez-faire system unfettered by the wasteful hand of government bureaucracy, they generate enough untaxed revenue to fund important social endeavors, such as the acquisition and furnishing of 20 inch rims. Unfairly accused by whiny residents of “dealing death to kids” or “perpetuating the ruin of poor communities”, these resilient role models are a beacon of hope to anyone who has ever dreamt of making enough money to have gold surgically grafted to your tooth enamel.
Location is key in the struggle to aquire wealth, and cholos know how to take advantage of opportunities when they see them. Based in low income minority communities, they set up shop on every corner to cater to the special needs of crackheads, stoners, and elementary school students. Ever protective of their land, they frequently mark their territory, just so there’s no misunderstanding as to what “set” they claim. They often stake their claim in calligraphic prose known as “tagging” and yes, sometimes they’ll piss on a tree trunk.
Threatening their territory or simply being at the wrong place at the wrong time can earn you a bad case of the 187. The worst crime, however, is having the wrong fits on. If you’re caught wearing blue or red you’re liable to get your “cap peeled”. Cholos take their fashion seriously and in fact have been at the forefront of style and fashion, as evidenced by the 15 year old trend of crap sagging pants on men, visible thongs and Sharpie eyebrows on women. Cholos can’t stand bad fashion sense and wearing the color red on 16th and Mission is a big fashion faux pas. Surenos (meaning “South Siders”) represent Southern California, though for a gang currently active in San Francisco, Eureka, and Sacramento, the irony is completely lost on them. In San Francisco they own the territory from 16th and Mission to about 20th and Mission. Nortenos (meaning “North Siders”) claim the Northern part of California. In San Francisco you can spot Nortenos lazily hanging about the corner of 24th and Mission or Capp, no doubt musing on the irony of being geographically south of 16th and Mission and calling themselves “Nortenos”.
Avoiding trouble with your neighborhood cholo is a matter of being street smart. Here are a few hints that might help.
– Try wearing neutral colors. Green can bring out the color in your eyes. But if you really want to have some fun, dress in both red AND blue. Watch the cholos go crazy trying to figure out what to do with you. It’s fun!
– Try not to make direct eye contact, as some cholos consider this a sign of hostility and may open a can of whoop ass. Or they might smell the fear on you and open a can of whoop ass – I forget which one.
– Pack as much heat as possible.
– Robbing a liquor store is a fun way to earn yourself major props from the homies.
– NEVER throw up a hand sign unless it’s a middle finger and it’s not directed at a cholo. Serious injury may result.
– If you’re ever asked where you’re from, just say “Beirut, mothafucka!”
– White people and hipsters will NEVER be mistaken for a cholo, but cholos might kick your ass anyway just for fun. Try to stay out of the hood as much as possible. Do as the white people usually do and roll up your windows if you drive past the barrio.
– And always remember that cholos have priority seating on the back of the bus. Be courteous.
If you’re a female with a nice booty, you’re going to get hooted and hollared at – there’s no way around it. In that case, a swift kick to the huevos should work just fine. Keep in mind that cholos are a nocturnal bunch and gang rapes are not uncommon – boys will be boys! Mace has proven just as effective as a kick to the huevos. I recommend you use the” mace/huevo-kick” combo attack for best results.
Of course, if you can’t handle the constant badgering by cholos, consider joining them! Joining is easy* and it’s FREE! Plus, you get a cool nickname like “Lil’ Dreamer”, “La Shy Gurl”, or “La Tough Bitch”. All you have to do is choose a color! Contact your nearest cholo today and join in the fun that’s already claimed and ruined the lives of thousands of Latinos! Do it now!
*murder, gang rape and/or beating may be required.
One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself while living in a Latino community is to learn Spanish. Without it, you can’t communicate efficiently with the locals, you lose customers, and you can’t tell when someone’s talkin shit behind your back. As everybody knows, everyone gets a hang of the cuss words first, so here’s a list of the phrases you’ll probably end up using the most. You’ll need to master all forms of the word “Chingar”. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out the meaning on your own:
“chingando” (fucking, or fucking around)
“chingada madre” (generic curse, translated loosely, this means “fucking mother!”…come to think of it, maybe it actually means “mother fucker”.)
“chingon!” (the fucking man!)
“chingate!” (go fuck yourself)
“chingadazo” (a nasty fucking accident)
“veta a la chingada” (go to hell, fucker!)
“chintrole” (variation of “chingada madre” for pussies who can’t actually say “chingada madre”)
and of course, the invaluable “Chinga Tu Madre” (“Fuck you and your nasty ass trick turnin’ mama”…or something like that).
Well, I hope this has proven helpful. I’m also fully aware that this list applies mostly to, or around, Mexicans – Puerto Ricans have their own slang, Cubans have another. But Mexicans are the coolest. Stay tuned for more installments of “Eddie’s Guide to Latino culture”.