Can you spot the fictional character?
*Answer: Trick question. They’re all fictional.
Become a psychic, astrologer, horoscoper, tarot reader, palm reader, clairvoyant, chicken bone healer, or any variation thereof. I can think of no other career that pays for you to deliver absolutely jack shit in return; the only other easy job I can think of that pays well and requires very little effort on your part is a stripper, but even those dumb broads have to dance. All you have to do as a psychic is sit around throwing darts and pulling random shit out of your ass – and you get PAID for it! The other sorry fuck gets NOTHING out of you but a false sense of hope and shitty lottery numbers. The best part is your clients are all idiots because they keep coming back for more!
Imagine, not having to put in any real work and making thousands, if not millions, in return! Starting tomorrow, I’m turning into this guy:
While Bush is off trying to win the hearts and minds of Latin America (read: PR campaign to offset the growing influence of Hugo Chavez), he made a quick stop in Guatemala where he was greeted by the eternally grateful locals with rose petals and green palms as he rode in on his ass. Of course he couldn’t see where he was going because it’s hard to see with his head that far up his trusty steed. While in Guatemala the locals gave him a hard time about our government’s anti-immigrant efforts. Bush took a minute to espouse the virtues of the guest worker program and for some reason I found it necessary to drop-kick my TV.
The proposed guest worker program pretty much amounts to the continued exploitation of Mexican illegal immigrants in the form of below minimun wage pay (which makes corporations happy), while denying them actual citizenship for all their hard labor – and even giving them a boot after a few years (which makes white trash rednecks happy). As you can see, it satisfies both sides of the Republican constituency – big business and xenophobes.
Here’s a thought – how about you grant them ALL amnesty? Make them permanent residents so that they can actually feed their kids now, and not in the 9 years it will take for the fucking federal government to get around to their citizenship papers. Where’s the fucking humanity? A man has GOT to provide for his family somehow – more power to any man who loves his family so much that he’s willing to brave long, arduous periods of relentless walking; a merciless, scorching desert; and trigger-happy hillbillies with shotguns, just so he can provide for them, without the benefit of even seeing them when he finally comes home from work. This isn’t a crime, it’s a tragedy.
“But they’re breaking The Law!!!”
I love it when Republicans use this argument because the only thing that trumps a humanitarian perspective is an appeal to my utmost humble respect for law and order. It’s also a perfect argument because it conveniently side-steps their hidden (and, as is evident at any Minuteman rally, not so hidden) racism. It’s so cute how the same crooked assholes who got us involved in 2 illegal wars, widespread illegal wiretapping and surveillance in direct violation of constitutional law, Enron, pedophile congressmen, Tom Delay and that creepy trenchcoat guy with the fedora, still dare invoke “The Law” as a real argument. Nevermind that it was also once illegal to teach black people how to read, drink alcohol, or allow closet-Republicans the right to engage in kinky butt-play with their underage male interns in the privacy of their own bathhouses. I have a sinking feeling, however, that if all migrant workers were granted amnesty (thus making them “legal”), these pricks would still throw a fit.
Remember that movie “The Day After Tomorrow”? Remember what happens in the end after the entire US becomes a ski resort? Guess where Americans get to live as refugees for the next thousand years? Here’s a hint: it’s not Canada. How ironic, perhaps even fitting, is it that Americans find themselves illegally crossing the Rio Grande into Mexico so as to avoid falling victims to a humanitarian crisis back home? I guess what I’m getting at is that I can’t wait for a series of freak ice storms to turn the US into a barren, inhospitable wasteland of ice. Or something like that.
A: NOTHING AT ALL.
Everywhere you go, the face of Al Pacino haunts me. Sometimes it’s actually him looking in my window when I’m sleeping, but most of the time he’s staring at me from a t-shirt worn by some stupid little personality deprived teenybopper or studio gangster. And it’s always the same 2 pictures – either an airbrushed atrocity depicting the moment he’s stuffing his face in coke or the moment shorty after when he’s going out in a hail of gunfire. Both suck.
I don’t get it. What’s the appeal? The movie was great, the guy was an evil backstabbing coke fiend who fantasized about his sister – is THAT the guy you want to be when you grow up? Yeah, good shit genius – aim high. Or in his case, real “high”. Funny you never see a shirt of his nose covered in coke, because then he’d just look like a stupid prick. The next bastard I see with a Scarface t-shirt gets a broken light bulb to his crotch.