Coffee for the masses.


Bow-Gate: Faux News Reaches for The Stars


Bow-gate?  Really?


This is what one of my homies calls “reaching”.  This is what happens when you run out of things to say about a man, so you gotta reeeeeeeeach a little further and grab any any irrelevant shit that you can find.  What’s funny is that I’m sure there’s lots of other shit Fox can do to ruin Barack Obama’s credibility, and they wouldn’t even have to dig that deep.  Come on you lazy fucks, you’ve done better than this.

It’s almost as if they know they can count on their usual gang of bumpkin fucktards to get all hot and bothered over this non-issue, something to rally around  after the whole “Obama is Hitler” thing got old.  After all, there’s enough of them around to make Sarah Palin rich and famous.  If any of you happen to be reading this (as if you read), I seriously despise you.  I despise you, and your philosophy of arrogant exceptionalism.  Get the fuck over yourselves you mindless idiots.

Alan Grayson: My New BFF

My man. He said something that I’ve been dying to hear from a Democrat since…forever.

And what’s more – he did not back away.

He’s talking about the truth.  He said “truth is an absolute defense”.

Thank God for Alan Grayson, for he is my voice in Congress.  He may represent Florida, but that’s the guy who speaks for me as an American.

America’s Last Liberal Lion.

Your service to America will never be forgotten.  To you and your family, we owe a great debt.

Spot the Fictional Talking Head.

Can you spot the fictional character?

*Answer: Trick question.  They’re all fictional.

Rebrand your Sins Away

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all hire a personal image consultant?  What if we could all have our own personal logo designer, and the entire world could identify each and every one of us by looking at our logos?   In a world where logos become our face the need for getting to know people better doesn’t disappear; in fact, it becomes more vital than ever.  It’s happening again, corporations using their deep pockets to rebrand themselves in order to boost a shattered image – as opposed to fixing what it was that made you unpopular in the first place.

Take Walmart.  Please.

Notice how BIG AND BLOCKY the old logo looks.  It’s a dark, unfriendly shade of blue.

This is their new logo.   See?  The lighter shade of blue means they really are friendly folk, so totally not like a group of greedy corporate bastards who exploit sweat shop labor and treat their workers like mindless drones.  These are happy people.  Happy!  Happy, like that yellow sunburst over to the right.  Not poor, sad, and depressed.  Happy.  Not a bad logo, actually.  I wonder if the designer was paid a decent wage for it.

Then there’s Blackwater, the brutal mercenary-for-hire firm replacing a large chunk of the US’s security.  You know, a job usually reserved for soldiers, the secret service, etc.  Well, they now operate as “Xe”.  The fuck does that mean?  Who knows.  What really matters is that it isn’t spelled and pronounced like BLACKWATER. “Xe” certainly sounds and looks less ominous than BLACKWATER. Just look at the bold font used, the imagery of a bear paw in the sights of a sniper, which would seem to spell certain death to bears.  Oh shit, BLACKWATER is run by Stephen Colbert!

Apparently that name BLACKWATER is so tainted by associations with its many scandals in Iraq that they felt a monosyllabic name like “Xe” would sound friendlier.  Or maybe, it would be so short, so barely there, that the public at large would forget they exist.  They hope that by making “BLACKWATER” disappear, “Xe” can continue to operate, funded by our own government tax dollars, with relative impunity. Kinda like what Phillip Morris did years ago when it was renamed Altria because Phillip Morris is now so synonymous with tobacco and cigarettes that it became bad for their public image.  What it comes down to is that Phillip Morris and BLACKWATER decided that the best course of action as corporate citizens was to simply show the world a new face.  Rather than straighten up, right their wrongs, see the error of their ways, they decided to go with a facelift and hope nobody would notice they’re still ugly on the inside.

Ditto for the Republican Party attempt to rebrand themselves recently.  Rebranding, as opposed to taking a long look in the mirror and reflecting.  Maybe even, dare I say, giving a shit about the people they’re supposed to represent?

This just says it all.

Enough plastic surgery.  Let’s get real.

I WISH this were a joke.


“I’ve been in the entertainment industry since I was six-years-old… As Charles Dickens says, ‘It’s been the best of times, the worst of times.’ But I would not change my career… While some have made deliberate attempts to hurt me, I take it in stride because I have a loving family, a strong faith and wonderful friends and fans who have, and continue, to support me”.

Michael Jackson,0,2152435.story

Pop star Michael Jackson was pronounced dead today after paramedics found him in a coma at his Bel-Air mansion, city and law enforcement sources told The Times.

Los Angeles Fire Department Capt. Steve Ruda told The Times that paramedics responded to a 911 call from the home. When they arrived, Jackson was not breathing. The paramedics performed CPR and took him to UCLA Medical Center, Ruda said

Hundreds of reporters gathered at the hospital awaiting word on his condition. The sources, who spoke on the condition that they not be named, said family members rushed to Jackson’s bedside, where he was in a deep coma…

…Jackson has three children — sons Prince Michael 7, and Michael Joseph Jackson Jr., 12, and daughter Paris Michael Katherine, 11.

The news comes as Jackson, 50, was attempting a comeback after years of tabloid headlines, most notably his trial and acquittal on child molestation charges.

The death of the King of Pop is yet another reminder of just how fleeting life really is. He was in his 20s when I was born; Michael Jackson had been one of many constants in my life.  By that I mean he’d always been a fixture in my world, one that has just “always been there”, like the moon.  As time passes by, these constants are beginning to disappear, one by one; I know that the most painful departures in my life are yet to come.

The news of his death itself was conflicting. Jesus. So many conflicting emotions about a man I don’t know. On one hand, he was the greatest entertainer this world had ever seen. On the other hand, he was probably a child molester. The man was weird, eccentric, Peter-Panish. But he was the fucking King of Pop. I was just talking about him last night, too. My uncle and I agreed – nobody could touch his skills as a dancer. The man was untouchable. He was the Moonwalker.

He was the Thriller.

He was denied his childhood, then spent most of his adult life trying to make up for it. Let’s face it – EVERYBODY talked about him, myself included.  He had his issues and only God knows the truth.  Now all that’s left to say is that his is a fascinating, complex, and tragic story. If there’s a better place after death, then he’s finally found some hard earned rest.  Long live King Michael.

Laughing My Ass Off at Logitech

Ladies and gentlemen, the Logitech MX Revolution.

Isn’t that just about the SEXIEST thing you’ve ever seen? It’s so sexy it made Hugh Hefner put a ring on it. And it FEELS amazing. Ergonomic design, optical laser tech, customizable buttons, a “game mode”, and even a search function. Retailing for around $100, you’d think it come with better instructions on what to do IN CASE IT STOPS WORKING.

If you think you should turn to Logitech, don’t bother. Logitech products look great, but don’t count on their service to be of much help – particularly with this mouse. With this mouse, if your battery suddenly refuses to work you have one option – buy a new one. That’s it. You can’t even replace the battery. Once it fails, you’re out $100 and you basically have to cough up $100 new dollars for a mouse that’s only problem is a faulty battery. You are screwed. Not quite ready to lube up the old cornhole just yet, I decided to consult a higher intelligence – the internet. I somehow stumbled upon this blog dealing with the same issue I was having with my mouse – namely, that the charging cradle kept giving me a flashing red light, meaning the battery wasn’t charging.

After reading the main article I scroll down to see what readers had to say, and the responses I was reading seemed to suggest that the number one solution to this problem was to – I shit you not, people – slam it.

“…Good to know I am not the only one having problems with this awesome device… Mine has seemed to gradually lose its ability to charge over the past 3 months. My first concern was the contacts, i clean them, safely, all the time just to be sure, but that’s not what it is for mine. Once I determined it wasn’t the contacts, and could find nothing else, I simply slammed the mouse (bottom side down) on my desk, and WOW does it work like brand new again. I DO NOT ADVISE ANYONE “SLAMMING” theirs down, but it worked for me. (Symptoms: not charging, blinking red battery light, random green lights.) Works great now.”

“…Slammed my mouse in to the desk as Chris did, and it has worked fine after that, guess it’s the way to solve the problem”

“…That’s probably the wierdest advice i’ve ever taken, but slamming my mouse buttonside down into my table has it working like brand new! Thanks!”

“..I slammed the mouse and… it worked! Seriously after reading these comments I was like there is no way I’m slamming the mouse, but after dealing with their customer service dept., what was the worst thing that could happen? Couldn’t really get more broken. Chalk up another unbiased vote for slamming.”

“..the mouse slam thing worked for me too. Same symptoms – blinking red light.  That’s hilarious.”

And there’s more.  Much more.  So I figured what the hell. I slammed the shit out of it. Didn’t work out so well for the last mouse I owned…but I’ll be damned if this motherfucker ain’t working like a charm now! That’s right, this $100 technological marvel requires only that you slam it against a hard, flat surface for it to function correctly.  All these years I’ve been told not to slam malfunctioning hardware and now Logitech has finally invented a device whose repair manual can be summed up in a sentence: slam the shit out of it.  Pure genius level shit right there.