Establishment Dems are now smearing progressives with the “alt-left” tag to draw a moral equivalency with bigots and fascists. Alternative lefty media has always existed as a counter to mainstream corporate media, so I don’t reject the label. In SF, the San Francisco Bay Guardian shone a light on the crony Dems FROM a leftist perspective while the establishment-friendly Chronicle kissed their ass. So yeah, I’d rather be alt-left any day. What I reject is the cynical timing of their new little talking point.
So let’s see: the alt-right wants minorities to die; the alt-left wants everyone to have health care; and the corrupt, sellout, crony capitalist establishment and their cowardly apologists take the middle road…so fewer deaths, but only for economic reasons, because racist reasons are evil. Ya gotta compromise.
Hey sellouts: if both the alt-left and alt-right represent emerging populist attitudes against establishment politicians, doesn’t that just make you alt-relevant?
The following letter is a response to a great piece on SF Weekly talking about gentrification in the Mission District, a place I called home until rents got so ridiculous my family and I could no longer afford to live there. This was years ago, at the ass-end of the first dot-com bubble. Since then, a second dot-com bubble has made the situation noticeably worse for Latinos in the Mission and it shows no signs of slowing down. Whether you benefit from this displacement or you’re a Latino family who’s had to pick up and settle into the almost uninhabitable dead zone outside of the Bay Area, you have three generations of San Francisco mayors to thank. Willie Brown, Gavin Newsom, and now Ed Lee have worked tirelessly to turn SF into the yuppie paradise it now is. And it’s not just the Mission: Bay View Hunter’s Point is feeling the pain, too. Gentrification threatens to displace the African-American community that has made that area home for decades. (Muni constructed a new T line metro rail that runs all the way down Third Street; I guarantee you it’s wasn’t built for the black community.) Pretty soon all of SF will be a playground for the affluent. By then, who the hell is gonna want to live here?
And now, without further ado, the letter:
Great article on gentrification in the Mission District.You say “evolution of 24th Street”, I say socio-economic Darwinism.As a Latino and exile of my once-beloved neighborhood, I generally sense in my people a great deal of defeatism towards gentrification that would have been unimaginable just 40 years ago at the height of the Chicano Power movement.Whatever the hell happened to us since then is beyond me, but if it’s anybody’s fault that Latinos are being shoved into the armpits of California (no offense, Stockton) it’s probably us.
But before us Latinos all stock up on Speed Stick, allow me to leave a few words of wisdom to the new (read: mostly white) residents of the Mission:
Dear hipsters and yuppies: (Is there a difference, really? I’m not being sarcastic; we really don’t know. We just call you yupsters for the sake of clarity.)
- Every time you walk down our streets at night, point and snap photos in our store windows while we’re working late, and go “oooh”, and “aaaah”, and “hahaha, isn’t that funny”, it’s actually fucking obnoxious. The Mission is not a zoo and Latinos actually resent being treated like exhibits in our own neighborhood. (“See the endangered Chicano in its native habitat before it’s extinct!) When the class-cleansing that started with Willie Brown has finally finished its work in San Francisco and there’s not a single one of us left, then you can open the exhibit. Maybe breed a few of us in captivity. Turn the place into a wax museum. Preserve the traces we left behind so that future generations can discover who we were. (“Look, they left paintings on the walls!”)
- You might think we don’t understand when you make fun of us, but chances are we do. (BTW, they’re called quinceañera dresses, they’re supposed to be big and colorful, and they’re designed for 15 year old Latinas, not a gaggle of snickering, siddidy, 30-something white girls already way past their prime. Sorry ladies, you couldn’t rock those dresses if you tried. If you find them overly ornate and ostentatious, why don’t you slip into something more your style, like a tasteful Scandinavian-inspired evening gown, or a bedsheet with straps?)
- As much as we all love organic patchouli burgers, not all of us can afford to eat at upscale “foodie” joints. Latinos for the most part find it counterproductive to impress first dates with conspicuous displays of wealth – we save that for the wedding. Nor do we feel the need to wow her with our extensive knowledge of the esoteric world of kelp-based Sri Lankan cuisine. You’d be surprised what we can do with pupusas and a sexy Spanish accent. Don’t you yupsters have your fill of pretentiousness in the art scene? Now you gotta be bougie about food? How about just thanking God for something to eat in a city where hundreds of homeless go hungry every day? But I’ll tell you what: you stop judging us for walking around with a Popeye’s drink, and we won’t make fun of your knit sweaters and corny old-timey mustaches. Anymore.
- Some things are just better left to the pros. There’s something not quite right when November creeps upon us and the only people not actually marching at Day of the Dead are Mexicans. It’s because we now know how black people felt when Elvis came along. Day of the Dead is a sacred Mexican tradition, not a Halloween after-party. Those of us who observe Day of the Dead have a connection rooted in hundreds of years of Aztec and Mexican culture that gives us the right to honor our ancestors in this way. The only connection yupsters have to Day of the Dead is a pasty, almost skeletal complexion.
- You can have Cinco de Mayo, though. It’s BEEN played out for a minute now and really, it’s all about the booze anyway.
Truth is, whatever armpit we Latinos end up shoved into, we’ll always bring the Mission with us. By the time we’ve all made the move to the unholy perimeter around the Bay Area, we will have brought with us drink, tacos, music, dance, murals, horchata, bachata, chancletas, women, men, rolling r’s, poetry, culture, and cholos. In short, we will infuse LIFE into those barren wastelands of 100 degree summers and meth. We turn armpits into cleavage! Pretty soon the Mission will be the new armpit of San Francisco and yupsters will once again be on the prowl for a new trendy area to gentrify. But as much as you yupsters won’t be able to resist telling all your friends about the scene in Watsonville and decide you want to “slum it up” for the weekend, please, this time do us all favor and stay home. Don’t come running to our new hood when you’ve turned yours into Whitebreadistan and it’s no longer cool anymore. Latinos know all about what happens to our neighborhoods when they become “hip”, and we hate packing.
– Ed (Mexicanus Chicanicus)
Congratulations, San Francisco. Now getting royally fucked in the ass around here is a metaphorical concept too!
I should note that there’s probably nobody more liberal than me. Nobody. Affirmative action? My people pick grapes to survive; don’t bitch and moan over losing work to a beaner. Gays? I wish every dude in the world jumped out the closet in a feather boa singing “We Are Family” – more chicks for me. Weed? Sure it has no medicinal purpose, but then again, neither does Viagra and that shit’s probably killed more people than a dimesack of white rhino ever has.
Having said that, you Frisco hippies almost make me reconsider my position on weed. Almost. I’m all for the strict regulation of guns, but not a complete fucking ban on them! This new law is essentially asking people to turn in their guns voluntarily, on their own accord. Let that shit sink in for a minute. Does it sound like genius, or shit-for-brains stupidity? I’m sure a voter approved initiative is just the thing Lil’ Puppet and La Shy Gurl needed to turn over a new leaf. No really, if I’m ever walking down the wrong side of Third Street and I get mugged, dude will probably have to shank me to death because he turned in his 9mm like a good law abiding citizen. Never in your fucking life will you ever hear, “I’d bust a cap in yo ass…but I just turned in my street sweeper yesterday!” Since when do I give a shit if the old granny down the street has a glock? She ain’t running up and down my block screaming “NORTE, PUTO!” If you think these fucks are going to turn in their guns, I’ve got a share of Enron stock I’d like to sell you.
And if none of that convinces you, let this little morsel sink in the next time you’re getting the Rodney King treatment – now only the cops are allowed to have guns. Good fucking luck.