Coffee for the masses.


Things I Wish The President Would Say

A few items making the rounds out in the conservative market of ideas – a market currently undergoing a Great Depression – followed by an eloquent rebuttal in The President’s own words.

Obama plans to indoctrinate your children. Why? Because Michelle Malkin’s crazy ass said so, that’s why.

And just like I thought it would happen, these fucking idiots pulled their kids out of school. I’m not even going to use this space to try to argue why it isn’t true; again, stupid people can not be convinced by argument alone. The truth should be self-evident, this shouldn’t even be a fucking issue. I feel as if it’s an insult to my intelligence and yours to try to convince people that Obama is not trying to brainwash your kids, yet I know that if people don’t debunk this kind of shit it just grows like a mold. A mold of backward country bumpkin bullshit and retarded ass redneck fucktards. I think I’m just gonna let the President speak his mind.

Things I Wish Barack Obama would Say, #112

Things I Wish The President would Say, #132

“Mural at Rockefeller center is both Communist and Fascist Propaganda”, and other Crazy Conspiracy Mindfucks.

As an arts major I rolled over and laughed my face off when I watch Glenn Beck school his audience on the fine arts.  His woeful ignorance on the subject was too much for me to bear.  But the part of me that goes nuts every time someone says something that’s just a shade of meaning off made me slap myself when I finished seeing this clip and I realized he had just tried to put progressives, Communists, AND fascism in the same category.

I hesitate in dropping facts, because any facts I state will only be preaching to the converted and those who should know won’t benefit from reading them because facts don’t work on stupid people.  But I’m going for it anyway – communism is just about diametrically opposed to fascism as you can get.  It’s like black and white, night and day, yin and yang.   In short, they have nothing to do with the other.   Here’s a hint: read up on how much Stalin and Mussolini hated each other.

Things I Wish The President would Say, #214

Things I Wish The President would Say, #214

‘Van Jones is a threat to America’, or whatever the fuck Glenn Beck is pulling out of his ass this time.

Another career destroyed over bullshit. Democrats bend over and take it in the ass yet again. Van Jones gets ambushed, nobody steps up to the plate to defend him. So I will. Jones was a member of Standing Together to Organize a Revolutionary Movement (STORM), a group organized to protest police brutality. And I support that shit 100%. He signed a “truther” petition back in 04. I too, thought it legitimate that Bush may have had a role in 9/11 to further corporate interests. I realized eventually that he didn’t have to plan for 9/11; he merely had to ignore the warnings. This is not controversial. And more to the point, it was irrelevant to what should have been the discussion at hand, which was the fact that Jones was easily the most qualified man for the job of “green czar”. But let a nutjob like Glenn Beck on the loose and you’re gonna have an assload of Obama officials getting called out. For fuck sake, he called out the GE buulding.  This McCarthyist son of a bitch has no sanity, let alone decency. For his part, Van Jones acted admirably by stepping aside so he wouldn’t distract from the larger fight ahead.  It’s the Democratic party that has once again let the country down.

Jones was also quoted as calling Republicans “assholes”.   Nothing I’d disagree with. But check out the entire quote:

“And Barack Obama is not an asshole. So, now, I will say this: I can be an asshole, and some of us who are not Barack Hussein Obama, are going to have to start getting a little bit uppity.”

I could not agree with him more.  We’re gonna have to make a lot of noise.  But I don’t think Obama should be exempt from the fight. Hey, I think he has something to say after all…

Things I Wish The President would Say, #512

Things I Wish The President would Say, #512

Oh, and Obama has something to say to you “deathers”…

Things I Wish Barack Obama would Say #121

Things I Wish The President would Say, #421

The Disneyverse expands, swallows the Marvel Universe.

Galac-Mouse: Devourer of Culture

Galac-Mouse: Devourer of Culture

The Disneyverse expands, swallows the Marvel Universe.

Like the constant threat of Galactus: Devourer of Worlds, the “Disneyworld” has finally made good on its own threat to consume the Marvel Universe.

SAN FRANCISCO (Inebriated Press) Marvelites awoke to a shocking discovery early Sunday morning when science experts announced that their world had been gobbled up by the corporate entity known as the “Disneyworld”.  Inhabited by anthropomorphic talking mice, ducks, dogs, most living under utopian conditions within sovereign kingdoms ruled over by doe-eyed princesses, the Disneyworld was discovered by Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four years ago during one of his experiments on interdimensional travel.

“What appears to be triggering the event is as yet unknown to me”, says Richards, “but I can tell you that based on experience that these things are usually the result of backroom deals struck by multinational corporations seeking to expand.  What this means for us is that a corporate entity now owns every person place and thing in the Marvel Universe.  And if what I hear about the suits leading the charge is any indication, we may be entering a universal dark age.”

Spider-man, a cultural icon and local Queens resident, welcomed the merger.

“I for one think it’s about time.  Things were getting pretty hairy around here, I mean, what with Captain America getting capped and everything.  Everyone’s been so depressed, and I can’t even make it through the day without my happy pills.  Hard to be a friendly neighboorhood Spider-man these days.  These guys oughta bring some cheer and sunshine into our lives…like the good ol’ days!”

He expressed a few reservations, however, in regards to the future of his valuable name brand.

“I’m just worried about their track record in terms of films, you know?  I’ve got a billion dollar movie franchise going and let’s just say I hope they don’t expect me to put out a musical or anything.”

After being told that plans for a Spider-musical were already on the way, Spidey’s chipper mood turned sour.

“Oh, crap”, replied the web-slinger.

Not everybody in the Marvel Universe was exactly thrilled with the merger.  Members of the superhero community expressed some of their concerns.  Heroes such as Daredevil, the blind guardian of Hell’s Kitchen, was taken aback by some of the subtle changes occurring around them.

“F*ck do you mean I’m wearing mouse ears?”, he replied when asked about his company-mandated new digs.

Impact on the Mutant World

“We welcome all sentient creatures into our fold”, said Professor Charles Xavier, the founder of the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters and the most visible activist in the struggle for mutant rights.  “It is my sincere hope that all of their citizens will be treated with utmost respect and mutual understanding as we seek to increase the dialogue between mutants, humans, and talking animals alike.”

In a response to Xavier’s address this morning, the mutant terrorist known as Magneto put out a new video, condemning the invasion as a human-engineered ploy to enslave and exploit mutants even as he reached out to the fairy-tale inhabitants of the Disneyworld.

“Beware the treachery of homo sapiens, my new brothers.  They are a petty race prone to hatred and evil; they will grow to envy and spite you.”

He then added, “Join us, or die”.

Welcome to Latveria, the…HAPPIEST place on Earth?

Princess Cinderella had expressed her desire to own a piece of prime real estate in Latveria, and as a senior stock holder in Disney Enterprises she was granted the parcel of land belonging to none other than Victor Von Doom.  Dr. Doom, the feared monarch of the tiny nation of Latveria, expressed scorn and disdain at the thought of sharing “his” world with “undesirables”.  His scorn turned to strongly worded outrage upon being told that at a shareholder conference earlier today, Disney corporate announced at that as part of the deal they would open a Disneyworld on Doom’s homeland, and even discussed plans to remodel his home and headquarters, the ominous Castle Von Doom, into Cinderella’s Castle.

“Foul, cretinous vermin!  Despicable witlings!  Microcephallic troglodytes!  How DARE they presume upon the land of Doom!  Loathsome pigs, feeding upon a trough of their masters’ refuse, blissfully ignorant of the horrors they now face at the hands of Doom! Pigs I say, mired in their own filth, and so shall they suffer a pig’s fate!  For their many insults to the throne of Latveria, they shall henceforth owe a blood debt to Doom that even their wretched grandchildren will continue to pay!  A copremesis pox on your families and a thousand curses upon their putrid souls!  So speaks Doom!”

Widespread violence breaks out, entire cities overrun by magical woodland creatures.

As a result of the merger, major clashes have been reported throughout the day.   Hours after Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) spoke to the press he was involved in an altercation with Mr. Incredible in Central Park that ended in a literal tangle when Elastigirl jumped into the fray.  Together they ended up looking like the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine.  By the time the Fantastic Four and the Incredibles were finished, Central Park was a crater.  The argument stemmed from a long-standing feud over their respective feature film franchises.  The Fantastic Four maintain that they were blatantly ripped off.

“Your movies still sucked ass”, yelled the young speedster Dash of the Incredibles, referring to the series of live action films based on the Fantastic Four.  The fight was called off when a giant tsunami struck the entire eastern seaboard.  The tsunami was the result of a fight between Namor the Submariner and King Triton, both claiming sovereignty of the mythical underwater kingdom of Atlantis.

Elsewhere, Cain Marko – the Juggernaut – was seen fending off an attack from Buzz Lightyear at around noon.  The Space Ranger was pronounced dead at 12:04 PM.  When pressed for comment, Marko replied, “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”.  A Hulk vs. Bambi match ended on a similar note.

On the other side of the country, a ho down ended in a bar room brawl that left dozens seriously injured, including a drunken Disneyman named Gaston who was found with clawmarks across his buttocks.  According to witnesses, a man identified only as “Logan” started the fight when Gaston broke into song and eventually made his way to Logan’s side of the room and began singing in his ear.  The man was reported as saying, “Does it look like I care about how many eggs you ate as a lad?  Get lost, bub”.

Final Thoughts

One of the most touching moments occurred as long lost relatives were reunited, and old wounds healed.  Howard the Duck met with representatives of the Donald Duck family in a tearful reunion after years of being stranded by an inter-dimensional cross-rip.  Quickly taking to their uncle’s dirty habit,  Huey, Dewey, and Louie enjoyed a Cuban cigar while Howard took a dive in Scrooge McDuck’s swimming pool.

But even as new friends were made, many more decried the events leading up to the Great Acquisition as the end of an era.    They worry about Disney’s intentions in the Marvel universe.  But ultimately, they mourn the loss of independence, and the fact that the integrity of the Marvel Universe is now subject to the uncaring whims of a faceless corporate giant.

They sold us out is what they did”, says Ben Grimm, popularly known as the blue eyed, ever-loving “Thing” of the Fantastic Four.  “What a rotten development”.

In related news, the naked body of Frank Castle, AKA “The Punisher”,  was found in a Bronx motel at around 9PM this evening.  Unconfirmed reports state that he was found with a massive gunshot wound to the head.  Three empty bottles of Everclear, Oxycontin, and a .50 caliber Desert Eagle were found alongside the body; the cause of death was ruled a suicide.

U.S. State Senator: Earth Is 6,000 Years Old

I knew just by reading the headline that this was about a Republican.  OK, and the Keith Olbermann “Worst Persons in the World” headline tipped me off, too.

Seriously, at this point when you say some shit like this, the little (R) next to your name should be redundant.  Is it safe to say at this point that Republicans own the monopoly on powerful stupid?  Sylvia Allen is not even close to being in the minority within her own party; these are the intelligent design,  “gay is a sin”,  “global warming is a hoax” crew – and don’t even get me started on the people who vote for them.   My apologies to intelligent Southerners out there, but you’re surrounded by morons and they’re ruining our country.  Also, can we stop pretending that they’re the party of family values when the list of their sex scandals dwarf those of the Democrats?  If you think I’m painting conservatives with broad, unfair generalizations, well, they’ve got the monopoly on that, too.  Ever heard of the phrase “liberal elitists”?  As if all liberals were elitists.   Elite in what sense?  Financial?  Educational?  Olympic?

I swear, these rants are good for my brain.  This rant brought to you by Xyience Energy Drinks.*

*not literally.

Sure, it’s wrong to pick on the mentally insane…

But I’m sure you can make an exception for Glenn Beck.

Now for what I think of Glenn Beck: he is a man who embodies the time-honored philosophy of dualism, in that he is both a douche and a blubbering old vagina.  Seeing as he’s a vaj and all you’d think he’d use his douche powers to rinse out the reeking void that is his soul, but alas such is not the case.  He cries on cue as much as Bill O’Reilly screams and for much the same reason; they are both masters of false outrage.  Then again, given Bill O’Reilly’s famous temper, his outrage may actually be half true.

Glenn Beck on the other hand, is truly an actor.  The insult on my intelligence inherent in attempting to appeal to my emotions is too great, especially coming from a man who does not sincerely feel those emotions.  I think when the cameras stop rolling he high fives the cameraman.  And forget about how he says it – the man’s words alone can cause the thinking part of your brain to retreat and surrender in awe of such powerful stupid. He’ll make up some random shit that sounds great and makes perfect sense in his own mind and in the minds of other mouth-breathing yokels and future lone gunmen like the asshole who just shot up 13 people in Binghampton, New York.   Bill Maher pointed out on his show last week that it was this kind of hysterical fear-mongering talk that egged on paranoid lunatics like Timothy McVeigh.

How bat-shit insane is Glenn Beck? Check out this quote:

“Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. The goal is global carbon tax. The goal is the United Nations running the world. That is the goal. Back in the 1930s, the goal wasget rid of all of the Jews and have one global government. You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler’s plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore’s enemy, the U.N.’s enemy: global warming. Then you get the scientists — eugenics.You get the scientists — global warming. Then you have to discreditthe scientists who say, ‘That’s not right.’  And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did.”

That’s right.  He just compared global warming to the Holocaust.

And if he IS in fact sincere, he is a total fucking lunatic, a hysterical monument to crazy.  If Glenn Beck truly feels an intense flurry of grieving emotions every time he thinks about 9/11, global warming, or Barack Obama, then he should be on meds – or strapped to a bed and administered electroshock therapy.

Little known fact: Glenn Beck is the worlds leading supplier of batshit.

Little known fact: Glenn Beck is the world's leading supplier of batshit.

Fuck I hate that man.  Glenn Beck can chow down on a bowl of ass.

And for no particular reason I give you the photo of the fucking year.  God bless Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert, ready for action in a diaper.

Stephen Colbert, ready for action in a diaper.


Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving.  We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We

believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially

to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot

Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You

get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states

pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the

Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a

bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and

anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at

once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have

kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no

purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their

children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and

hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our

resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent

of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple

and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of

America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)

90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most

of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and

condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,

Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88

percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care

costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the

tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern

Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,

Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was

actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred

unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say

that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved

in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people

with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt

weed they grow in Mexico.

Looking for the easiest job in the world?

Become a psychic, astrologer, horoscoper, tarot reader, palm reader, clairvoyant, chicken bone healer, or any variation thereof. I can think of no other career that pays for you to deliver absolutely jack shit in return; the only other easy job I can think of that pays well and requires very little effort on your part is a stripper, but even those dumb broads have to dance. All you have to do as a psychic is sit around throwing darts and pulling random shit out of your ass – and you get PAID for it! The other sorry fuck gets NOTHING out of you but a false sense of hope and shitty lottery numbers. The best part is your clients are all idiots because they keep coming back for more!

Imagine, not having to put in any real work and making thousands, if not millions, in return!  Starting tomorrow, I’m turning into this guy:

Walter Mercado

Walter Mercado

Eddie’s guide to Latino Culture Vol. 2

Have you ever walked down 24th and Mission in San Francisco and get beat by some angry little pendejos for wearing the wrong color jacket?  Ever get shot in the culo by some ass clown with pants worn so low it looks like he done dookied on himself? Ever been to East L.A. and gotten harassed by “una mendiga desgraciada” and her ugly, ironically named fat friend “La Tiny”?  Chances are if you live in a Latino community, you’ve encountered CHOLOS.  Cholos are to Latinos what underachieving morons are to every other race.  Cholos can generally be described as being like Homies characters – one dimensional caricatures completely lacking in personality and living in a world of their own.  On the other hand, PANDILLEROS, or gang members, are also like Homies, only with actual prison records.  Every group of people needs a criminal element, and Latinos have pandilleros, all of whom are cholos – though not all cholos are necessarily pandilleros.  The usual presence of tattoos, weapons, scars, and sore anal sphincters from dropping the soap one too many times help to distinguish actual gang members from those who claim to be gang members.  Nevertheless, they are all a bunch of cholos and for the sake of clarity we’ll call them that throughout this guide.

Cholos are surprisingly entrepreneurial people.  Ever the champions of the capitalist spirit, they’ve got their mind on their money…and vice versa.  They are leaders in the practice of free market economics, as most of their daily transactions function outside the mainstream in what has been unfairly labeled the “black market”.  Expect great prices on watches, stereos, bikes, cannibis, crack, etc., most of which is made possible by relaxed rules concerning “legitimacy” and “theft”.  Thanks to this laizzez-faire system unfettered by the wasteful hand of government bureaucracy, they generate enough untaxed revenue to fund important social endeavors, such as the acquisition and furnishing of 20 inch rims.  Unfairly accused by whiny residents of “dealing death to kids” or “perpetuating the ruin of poor communities”, these resilient role models are a beacon of hope to anyone who has ever dreamt of making enough money to have gold surgically grafted to your tooth enamel.

Location is key in the struggle to aquire wealth, and cholos know how to take advantage of opportunities when they see them.  Based in low income minority communities, they set up shop on every corner to cater to the special needs of crackheads, stoners, and elementary school students.  Ever protective of their land, they frequently mark their territory, just so there’s no misunderstanding as to what “set” they claim.  They often stake their claim in calligraphic prose known as “tagging” and yes, sometimes they’ll piss on a tree trunk.

Threatening their territory or simply being at the wrong place at the wrong time can earn you a bad case of the 187.  The worst crime, however, is having the wrong fits on. If you’re caught wearing blue or red you’re liable to get your “cap peeled”.  Cholos take their fashion seriously and in fact have been at the forefront of style and fashion, as evidenced by the 15 year old trend of crap sagging pants on men, visible thongs and Sharpie eyebrows on women.  Cholos can’t stand bad fashion sense and wearing the color red on 16th and Mission is a big fashion faux pas.  Surenos (meaning “South Siders”) represent Southern California, though for a gang currently active in San Francisco, Eureka, and Sacramento, the irony is completely lost on them.  In San Francisco they own the territory from 16th and Mission to about 20th and Mission.  Nortenos (meaning “North Siders”) claim the Northern part of California.  In San Francisco you can spot Nortenos lazily hanging about the corner of 24th and Mission or Capp, no doubt musing on the irony of being geographically south of 16th and Mission and calling themselves “Nortenos”.

Avoiding trouble with your neighborhood cholo is a matter of being street smart. Here are a few hints that might help.

–         Try wearing neutral colors. Green can bring out the color in your eyes. But if you really want to have some fun, dress in both red AND blue. Watch the cholos go crazy trying to figure out what to do with you. It’s fun!

–         Try not to make direct eye contact, as some cholos consider this a sign of hostility and may open a can of whoop ass.  Or they might smell the fear on you and open a can of whoop ass – I forget which one.

–         Pack as much heat as possible.

–         Robbing a liquor store is a fun way to earn yourself major props from the homies.

–         NEVER throw up a hand sign unless it’s a middle finger and it’s not directed at a cholo.  Serious injury may result.

–         If you’re ever asked where you’re from, just say “Beirut, mothafucka!”

–         White people and hipsters will NEVER be mistaken for a cholo, but cholos might kick your ass anyway just for fun. Try to stay out of the hood as much as possible. Do as the white people usually do and roll up your windows if you drive past the barrio.

–         And always remember that cholos have priority seating on the back of the bus. Be courteous.

If you’re a female with a nice booty, you’re going to get hooted and hollared at – there’s no way around it.  In that case, a swift kick to the huevos should work just fine. Keep in mind that cholos are a nocturnal bunch and gang rapes are not uncommon – boys will be boys! Mace has proven just as effective as a kick to the huevos. I recommend you use the” mace/huevo-kick” combo attack for best results.

Of course, if you can’t handle the constant badgering by cholos, consider joining them!  Joining is easy* and it’s FREE! Plus, you get a cool nickname like “Lil’ Dreamer”, “La Shy Gurl”, or “La Tough Bitch”.  All you have to do is choose a color!  Contact your nearest cholo today and join in the fun that’s already claimed and ruined the lives of thousands of Latinos!  Do it now!

*murder, gang rape and/or beating may be required.

What do Scarface and 14 year old teenyboppers have in common?

You are NOT Scarface.

You are NOT Scarface.


Everywhere you go, the face of Al Pacino haunts me.  Sometimes it’s actually him looking in my window when I’m sleeping, but most of the time he’s staring at me from a t-shirt worn by some stupid little personality deprived teenybopper or studio gangster.  And it’s always the same 2 pictures – either an airbrushed atrocity depicting the moment he’s stuffing his face in coke or the moment shorty after when he’s going out in a hail of gunfire.  Both suck.

I don’t get it.  What’s the appeal?  The movie was great, the guy was an evil backstabbing coke fiend who fantasized about his sister – is THAT the guy you want to be when you grow up?   Yeah, good shit genius – aim high.  Or in his case, real “high”.  Funny you never see a shirt of his nose covered in coke, because then he’d just look like a stupid prick. The next bastard I see with a Scarface t-shirt gets a broken light bulb to his crotch.

Eddie’s Guide to Latino Culture, Vol. 1

One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself while living in a Latino community is to learn Spanish. Without it, you can’t communicate efficiently with the locals, you lose customers, and you can’t tell when someone’s talkin shit behind your back. As everybody knows, everyone gets a hang of the cuss words first, so here’s a list of the phrases you’ll probably end up using the most.  You’ll need to master all forms of the word “Chingar”.  I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out the meaning on your own:

“chingando” (fucking, or fucking around)

“chingada madre” (generic curse, translated loosely, this means “fucking mother!”…come to think of it, maybe it actually means “mother fucker”.)

“chingon!” (the fucking man!)

“chingate!” (go fuck yourself)

“chingadazo” (a nasty fucking accident)

“veta a la chingada” (go to hell, fucker!)

“chintrole” (variation of “chingada madre” for pussies who can’t actually say “chingada madre”)

and of course, the invaluable “Chinga Tu Madre” (“Fuck you and your nasty ass trick turnin’ mama”…or something like that).

Well, I hope this has proven helpful.  I’m also fully aware that this list applies  mostly to, or around, Mexicans – Puerto Ricans have their own slang, Cubans have another.  But Mexicans are the coolest.  Stay tuned for more installments of “Eddie’s Guide to Latino culture”.

Why I can’t get women, Part Deux.

(What follows is the transcript of an actual phone call with this cool college chick. I don’t remember exactly how it went, but I think it went something like this:)

Her: So why didn’t you go to your class?

Me: I fucking woke up late and shit, then I missed the bus and as I was crossing the street I got run over by a huge ass U-Haul truck.

Her: You what?

Me: Yeah, some fucking redneck looking dude just fucking hit me and shit. But it was cool because I deflected the impact with my pecs.

Her: Shut the fuck up…crazy ass

Me: …then he stopped in the middle of the street and got out of his truck to see if I was OK, but I got mad and disemboweled him with my pinky for being such a dumbass.

Her: (laughing) stupid.

Me: …and then I went into the back of the truck to see if I could score some loot and all these illegals jumped out, but I gave them each $100 and handed out fake green cards that I just happen to have been carrying around on me, so this one beaner says “Gracias compa” and I’m all like “Don’t thank me, thank the corpse that’s rotting all dead and disemboweled and shit.”

Her: OK, stop

Me: He’s all like “Gracias you pinche pocho cabron”. I thought he was still talking to me, so I kicked him in the throat and he choked on his own spit.

Her: Say whaaa…you need to chill…

Me: Then I snapped the neck of this stupid little weener dog that was crossing the street with this old ass lady on a stroller and she freaked out and started hitting me with her purse and losing her balance and I laughed…

Her: OK, now you’re creeping me out…

Me: .. but then I said “fuck that, I ain’t taking shit from no old ass bitch”, so I punched her in her gut and snatched her stroller from under her and she fell and I beat her over the head with it.

Her: You’re disturbed.

Me: What?

Her: Seriously, that’s not funny.

Me: Aw come on it wasn’t that bad, she was wearing a steel plate! Hello?

MERRY CHRISTMAS! (or, “Happy Holidays” if you hate Jesus)

If there’s one thing I hate about people (and trust me, the things I hate about people are by no means limited to one thing) it’s political correctness. So why doesn’t it bother me to hear my favorite radio stations and television stations say some shit like “Happy Holidays” just so everyone’s all happy and unoffended? Let’s face it – it’s not called the “BIG MACY’S KWANZAA SALE”. Hanukkah didn’t inspire hordes of greedy, wide-eyed assholes to push and shove their way into Best Buy at 4 in the morning just to get 75% off and max out all of their credit cards in one day – like it’s the FUCKING APOCALYPSE.  No, it all stems from that old Christian tradition that started it all.

So how does the birth of the greatest man the world has ever seen turn into a sorry excuse for crass commercialism and nauseatingly bland pop renditions of tired ass Christmas songs? I have no clue, but it’s sure pissing me off. Today I had to listen to KOIT the entire day because my co-workers are assholes. Eight hours straight of sugary holiday mall music, enough Holly-Jolly Christmases and Jingle Bell Rocks to elevate your blood sugar into molasses. By the end of the day I went into a diabetic coma, but not before slapping my co-workers and drop-kicking my boss’ wussy little weener dog into a wall. And the commercials! The relentless commercials, everywhere you fucking turn somebody is trying to sell you shit! Mothafuckas never let you forget that “it’s the time for giving”, which to me implies that if they’re in such a giving mood I should just walk right into Foot Locker and take all the Nikes and Timbs I want. In fact, I’m going to try that right now and if they complain I’ll shove a cactus in their colon and tell those thorny-assed fucks that it’s the season for shopping – stop acting like you’re into the idea of giving and sharing shit, when all you really want is for me to buy that shit from you!

I’m sick of this so-called “holiday cheer”. It’s a euphemism that masks the real reason for all that cheer – the anticipation of getting free shit. Apparently I’ve had it wrong all along; Christmas isn’t about remembering a man who preached unconditional love and wisdom, it’s about getting free shit! It’s not about spirituality or religious observance or shit like that, it’s about who’s got the biggest, brightest, most energy-consuming Nativity scene on the block. Thanks for hogging the juice, assholes. I bet less than 5% of the people who put up Christmas trees and lights and mistletoes and Nativity scenes even go to church on Christmas. In fact, quite a lot of these people aren’t even Christians. That’s some genius shit right there. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re not a Christian you shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate Christmas and get the week off. That’d be like me, an agnostic, observing Ramadan and starving to death half the day; meanwhile real Muslims look at me like “what a dumb fuck”.

But perhaps it makes perfect sense after all. Maybe the phrase “Happy Holidays” is appropriate given the real reason we celebrate this holiday season – CONSUMERISM! We’re not really observing Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, are we? Fuck no! Like I said, it’s about getting free shit. In this country, we celebrate Consumerism, America’s one true religion! I should have known that in a secular government you couldn’t really have a national holiday in commemoration of a religious figure, because that would be unconstitutional! “In God We Trust”, indeed! That shit is printed on our MONEY – MONEY IS OUR GOD – IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! Money is our god, shopping malls are the holy temples, and ravenous spending, and outspending, and the maxing-out of the credit cards are the holy rituals that we perform in honor of the Invisible Hand. Instead of Christmas trees, we true believers of the Almighty (Dollar) should all set up a big ass scale model replica of the new Freedom Tower and roast communists under an open fire. We keep the Sabbath holy by shelling out cash at the Temple of Stonestown Mall and buy our family and friends love in the form of X-Box 360s, 3 pairs of boxer briefs, and cash certificates to Macy’s.

Actually, an X-Box 360 would kick ass!

So again, why does it not piss me off that people are calling it Happy Holidays rather than Merry Christmas? In case you missed it, here’s why – because I’m ashamed of the shameless joke that Christmas has become. Just this once, I’m glad retailers are caving in to political correctness, as well they probably should. I’d rather you celebrate greed and empty gestures of goodwill in the name of secular materialism than pin it all on Jesus. He didn’t preach that superficial shit. To all the Jews out there – you guys don’t know how fucking good you’ve got it.

Why I can’t get women.

So, I’m talking to this random chick on the bus today. She’s a real cutie, so I figure I’d slip her some of that pimp game like I always do. I tell her I’m a doctor and I make mad scrill but I choose to walk around in hand me downs so the other brain surgeons won’t feel bad. She also knows I drive around in an M-Class, but my butler Jeeves got drunk and drove it into my Olympic-sized pool.

I was about to tell her about my G-Unit contract when all of a sudden my phone rings and it’s my ex-girlfriend, who calls out of the blue, after almost three years of non contact. I got so pissed I screamed at the phone and headbutted this chick in her mouth. I rushed her into the emergency room where she was pronounced dead on arrival. Then I went to Mitchells’ and had ice cream, which fucking kicked ass.

So, the gun ban passed in the City…

Congratulations, San Francisco.  Now getting royally fucked in the ass around here is a metaphorical concept too!

I should note that there’s probably nobody more liberal than me.  Nobody.  Affirmative action?  My people pick grapes to survive; don’t bitch and moan over losing work to a beaner.  Gays?  I wish every dude in the world jumped out the closet in a feather boa singing “We Are Family” – more chicks for me.   Weed?  Sure it has no medicinal purpose, but then again, neither does Viagra and that shit’s probably killed more people than a dimesack of white rhino ever has.

Having said that, you Frisco hippies almost make me reconsider my position on weed.  Almost.  I’m all for the strict regulation of guns, but not a complete fucking ban on them!  This new law is essentially asking people to turn in their guns voluntarily, on their own accord.  Let that shit sink in for a minute.  Does it sound like genius, or shit-for-brains stupidity?  I’m sure a voter approved initiative is just the thing Lil’ Puppet and La Shy Gurl needed to turn over a new leaf.  No really, if I’m ever walking down the wrong side of Third Street and I get mugged, dude will probably have to shank me to death because he turned in his 9mm like a good law abiding citizen.  Never in your fucking life will you ever hear, “I’d bust a cap in yo ass…but I just turned in my street sweeper yesterday!”  Since when do I give a shit if the old granny down the street has a glock?  She ain’t running up and down my block screaming “NORTE, PUTO!”  If you think these fucks are going to turn in their guns, I’ve got a share of Enron stock I’d like to sell you.

And if none of that convinces you, let this little morsel sink in the next time you’re getting the Rodney King treatment – now only the cops are allowed to have guns.  Good fucking luck.