The Disneyverse expands, swallows the Marvel Universe.
The Disneyverse expands, swallows the Marvel Universe.
Like the constant threat of Galactus: Devourer of Worlds, the “Disneyworld” has finally made good on its own threat to consume the Marvel Universe.
SAN FRANCISCO (Inebriated Press) Marvelites awoke to a shocking discovery early Sunday morning when science experts announced that their world had been gobbled up by the corporate entity known as the “Disneyworld”. Inhabited by anthropomorphic talking mice, ducks, dogs, most living under utopian conditions within sovereign kingdoms ruled over by doe-eyed princesses, the Disneyworld was discovered by Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four years ago during one of his experiments on interdimensional travel.
“What appears to be triggering the event is as yet unknown to me”, says Richards, “but I can tell you that based on experience that these things are usually the result of backroom deals struck by multinational corporations seeking to expand. What this means for us is that a corporate entity now owns every person place and thing in the Marvel Universe. And if what I hear about the suits leading the charge is any indication, we may be entering a universal dark age.”
Spider-man, a cultural icon and local Queens resident, welcomed the merger.
“I for one think it’s about time. Things were getting pretty hairy around here, I mean, what with Captain America getting capped and everything. Everyone’s been so depressed, and I can’t even make it through the day without my happy pills. Hard to be a friendly neighboorhood Spider-man these days. These guys oughta bring some cheer and sunshine into our lives…like the good ol’ days!”
He expressed a few reservations, however, in regards to the future of his valuable name brand.
“I’m just worried about their track record in terms of films, you know? I’ve got a billion dollar movie franchise going and let’s just say I hope they don’t expect me to put out a musical or anything.”
After being told that plans for a Spider-musical were already on the way, Spidey’s chipper mood turned sour.
“Oh, crap”, replied the web-slinger.
Not everybody in the Marvel Universe was exactly thrilled with the merger. Members of the superhero community expressed some of their concerns. Heroes such as Daredevil, the blind guardian of Hell’s Kitchen, was taken aback by some of the subtle changes occurring around them.
“F*ck do you mean I’m wearing mouse ears?”, he replied when asked about his company-mandated new digs.
Impact on the Mutant World
“We welcome all sentient creatures into our fold”, said Professor Charles Xavier, the founder of the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters and the most visible activist in the struggle for mutant rights. “It is my sincere hope that all of their citizens will be treated with utmost respect and mutual understanding as we seek to increase the dialogue between mutants, humans, and talking animals alike.”
In a response to Xavier’s address this morning, the mutant terrorist known as Magneto put out a new video, condemning the invasion as a human-engineered ploy to enslave and exploit mutants even as he reached out to the fairy-tale inhabitants of the Disneyworld.
“Beware the treachery of homo sapiens, my new brothers. They are a petty race prone to hatred and evil; they will grow to envy and spite you.”
He then added, “Join us, or die”.
Welcome to Latveria, the…HAPPIEST place on Earth?
Princess Cinderella had expressed her desire to own a piece of prime real estate in Latveria, and as a senior stock holder in Disney Enterprises she was granted the parcel of land belonging to none other than Victor Von Doom. Dr. Doom, the feared monarch of the tiny nation of Latveria, expressed scorn and disdain at the thought of sharing “his” world with “undesirables”. His scorn turned to strongly worded outrage upon being told that at a shareholder conference earlier today, Disney corporate announced at that as part of the deal they would open a Disneyworld on Doom’s homeland, and even discussed plans to remodel his home and headquarters, the ominous Castle Von Doom, into Cinderella’s Castle.
“Foul, cretinous vermin! Despicable witlings! Microcephallic troglodytes! How DARE they presume upon the land of Doom! Loathsome pigs, feeding upon a trough of their masters’ refuse, blissfully ignorant of the horrors they now face at the hands of Doom! Pigs I say, mired in their own filth, and so shall they suffer a pig’s fate! For their many insults to the throne of Latveria, they shall henceforth owe a blood debt to Doom that even their wretched grandchildren will continue to pay! A copremesis pox on your families and a thousand curses upon their putrid souls! So speaks Doom!”
Widespread violence breaks out, entire cities overrun by magical woodland creatures.
As a result of the merger, major clashes have been reported throughout the day. Hours after Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) spoke to the press he was involved in an altercation with Mr. Incredible in Central Park that ended in a literal tangle when Elastigirl jumped into the fray. Together they ended up looking like the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine. By the time the Fantastic Four and the Incredibles were finished, Central Park was a crater. The argument stemmed from a long-standing feud over their respective feature film franchises. The Fantastic Four maintain that they were blatantly ripped off.
“Your movies still sucked ass”, yelled the young speedster Dash of the Incredibles, referring to the series of live action films based on the Fantastic Four. The fight was called off when a giant tsunami struck the entire eastern seaboard. The tsunami was the result of a fight between Namor the Submariner and King Triton, both claiming sovereignty of the mythical underwater kingdom of Atlantis.
Elsewhere, Cain Marko – the Juggernaut – was seen fending off an attack from Buzz Lightyear at around noon. The Space Ranger was pronounced dead at 12:04 PM. When pressed for comment, Marko replied, “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”. A Hulk vs. Bambi match ended on a similar note.
On the other side of the country, a ho down ended in a bar room brawl that left dozens seriously injured, including a drunken Disneyman named Gaston who was found with clawmarks across his buttocks. According to witnesses, a man identified only as “Logan” started the fight when Gaston broke into song and eventually made his way to Logan’s side of the room and began singing in his ear. The man was reported as saying, “Does it look like I care about how many eggs you ate as a lad? Get lost, bub”.
One of the most touching moments occurred as long lost relatives were reunited, and old wounds healed. Howard the Duck met with representatives of the Donald Duck family in a tearful reunion after years of being stranded by an inter-dimensional cross-rip. Quickly taking to their uncle’s dirty habit, Huey, Dewey, and Louie enjoyed a Cuban cigar while Howard took a dive in Scrooge McDuck’s swimming pool.
But even as new friends were made, many more decried the events leading up to the Great Acquisition as the end of an era. They worry about Disney’s intentions in the Marvel universe. But ultimately, they mourn the loss of independence, and the fact that the integrity of the Marvel Universe is now subject to the uncaring whims of a faceless corporate giant.
They sold us out is what they did”, says Ben Grimm, popularly known as the blue eyed, ever-loving “Thing” of the Fantastic Four. “What a rotten development”.
In related news, the naked body of Frank Castle, AKA “The Punisher”, was found in a Bronx motel at around 9PM this evening. Unconfirmed reports state that he was found with a massive gunshot wound to the head. Three empty bottles of Everclear, Oxycontin, and a .50 caliber Desert Eagle were found alongside the body; the cause of death was ruled a suicide.