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Wolverine: The Good, The Bad, and the DEAR LORD WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

The Good:

– The Acting, particularly:

  • Hugh Jackman as Wolverine – after 3 movies, this man feels Wolverine in his bones. If they ever reboot the X-Men franchise, I hope they bring him back, even if he’s 60 years old. He is by no means the weak part of the movie.
  • Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool – he captures Deadpool’s tone PERFECTLY. Manages to pull off convincing fight scenes.
  • Liev Schrieber as Sabretooth – does a great job turning Sabretooth into a real scumbag.
  • Lynn Collins as Silverfox – her scenes with Hugh Jackman are surprisingly convincing and well acted.

– They didn’t fuck up Gambit at all. Props for that.

– The title sequence was nicely executed.

The Bad:

– Why is Sabretooth Wolverine’s brother, and why wasn’t I told the entire time I’ve been reading Wolverine comics since I was a kid? Oh that’s right, because he’s not supposed to be Wolverine’s brother. The whole “my arch-enemy is my brother” thing is beginning to be a cliche. Still, I have to admit it worked to streamlined the story, and Liev Schrieber does an awesome job with him. That’s why it’s merely bad, and not ugly.

– Emma Frost is given cubic zirconia skin. And she’s Silverfox’s sister. Silverfox is not white. Sure, either one could be adopted, but still OH BLOODY HELL, SHE GLITTERS LIKE A DISCO BALL!

– Deadpool looks like Baraka from Mortal Kombat. And he teleports. Oh, and he ACTUALLY SHOOTS LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES LIKE CYCLOPS. His fight scenes and spot on portrayal by Ryan Reynolds almost make up for his rape. That is, his rape as a character, not literally. I would rather somebody had actually raped Deadpool American Me style than have had his character figuratively raped by turning him into fucking Sylar.

The DEAR LORD WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?:

– The opening sequence. It’s ugly because it leads me to think that the whole film from that point on will be a faithful adaptation of the “Origin” graphic novel. Instead it’s skimmed over in 5 minutes and gets progressively worse. It’s almost as if suddenly developing a latent mutation that enables him to kill his father with bone claws and cause his mother to commit suicide didn’t have that big an emotional impact on Wolverine’s psyche. It didn’t even have much impact on me.

– The shitty handling of Weapon X. Arguably what was supposed to be the single most important scene in the movie – the scene where adamantium is grafted into his bones and the film’s “no turning back” scene – is skimmed over in less than five minutes, just like his childhood. The process is supposed to be excrutiatingly painful, and it’s over in the time it takes for you to get up, take a piss, and come back to realize that you just missed the entire thing. The process itself is an extremely traumatic even in Wolverine’s life, haunting him in nightmares YEARS after it happens, but you wouldn’t know it from watching the movie. After his flu shot, Wolverine gets REALLY PISSED and goes on a bloody RAMPAGE!

OK, maybe “rampage” isn’t the word I’m looking for. “Hissy fit” is more like it. I think maybe two people get stabbed and I swear Wolverine straight up walks off the army base naked.

– They didn’t have to tell his entire back story in one film; they could have just made the 6 issue mini-series Origin into a movie. Basically the most important events in Wolverine’s back story are the Origin storyline from the comics, Weapon X, Team X, and his life in Japan. Why did they have to squeeze everything into one movie? Had each event been handled separately Fox could have done his origin justice AND have a new franchise to squeeze the life out of.

– They shouldn’t have made the movie in the first place, because Marvel shouldn’t have written “Origin” in the first place. Way to fuck up a key part of Wolverine’s appeal. At least the story did the character justice.

– The title –  X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I don’t care that if you didn’t put the words “X-Men” in it that you would lose the right to put other X-Men in there. Why the fuck does legal shit like that get in the way of a title that doesn’t make me want to kill you?

And in case you were wondering, I didn’t think it was awful. It’s watchable – once. I just thought here’s the one chance that Marvel had at using Hugh Jackman while he’s still young to do Wolverine’s back story justice, and they blew it. I recommend you go out and spend your money on the  “Origin” graphic novel. If you had to choose something to spend $10 on, throw in the extra $5 and read. People don’t read anymore.

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