Coffee for the masses.

Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving.  We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We

believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially

to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot

Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You

get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states

pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the

Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a

bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and

anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at

once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have

kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no

purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their

children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and

hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our

resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent

of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple

and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of

America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)

90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most

of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and

condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,

Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88

percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care

costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the

tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern

Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,

Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was

actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred

unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say

that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved

in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people

with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt

weed they grow in Mexico.

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