Coffee for the masses.

Why I can’t get women, Part Deux.

(What follows is the transcript of an actual phone call with this cool college chick. I don’t remember exactly how it went, but I think it went something like this:)

Her: So why didn’t you go to your class?

Me: I fucking woke up late and shit, then I missed the bus and as I was crossing the street I got run over by a huge ass U-Haul truck.

Her: You what?

Me: Yeah, some fucking redneck looking dude just fucking hit me and shit. But it was cool because I deflected the impact with my pecs.

Her: Shut the fuck up…crazy ass

Me: …then he stopped in the middle of the street and got out of his truck to see if I was OK, but I got mad and disemboweled him with my pinky for being such a dumbass.

Her: (laughing) stupid.

Me: …and then I went into the back of the truck to see if I could score some loot and all these illegals jumped out, but I gave them each $100 and handed out fake green cards that I just happen to have been carrying around on me, so this one beaner says “Gracias compa” and I’m all like “Don’t thank me, thank the corpse that’s rotting all dead and disemboweled and shit.”

Her: OK, stop

Me: He’s all like “Gracias you pinche pocho cabron”. I thought he was still talking to me, so I kicked him in the throat and he choked on his own spit.

Her: Say whaaa…you need to chill…

Me: Then I snapped the neck of this stupid little weener dog that was crossing the street with this old ass lady on a stroller and she freaked out and started hitting me with her purse and losing her balance and I laughed…

Her: OK, now you’re creeping me out…

Me: .. but then I said “fuck that, I ain’t taking shit from no old ass bitch”, so I punched her in her gut and snatched her stroller from under her and she fell and I beat her over the head with it.

Her: You’re disturbed.

Me: What?

Her: Seriously, that’s not funny.

Me: Aw come on it wasn’t that bad, she was wearing a steel plate! Hello?

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