MERRY CHRISTMAS! (or, “Happy Holidays” if you hate Jesus)
If there’s one thing I hate about people (and trust me, the things I hate about people are by no means limited to one thing) it’s political correctness. So why doesn’t it bother me to hear my favorite radio stations and television stations say some shit like “Happy Holidays” just so everyone’s all happy and unoffended? Let’s face it – it’s not called the “BIG MACY’S KWANZAA SALE”. Hanukkah didn’t inspire hordes of greedy, wide-eyed assholes to push and shove their way into Best Buy at 4 in the morning just to get 75% off and max out all of their credit cards in one day – like it’s the FUCKING APOCALYPSE. No, it all stems from that old Christian tradition that started it all.
So how does the birth of the greatest man the world has ever seen turn into a sorry excuse for crass commercialism and nauseatingly bland pop renditions of tired ass Christmas songs? I have no clue, but it’s sure pissing me off. Today I had to listen to KOIT the entire day because my co-workers are assholes. Eight hours straight of sugary holiday mall music, enough Holly-Jolly Christmases and Jingle Bell Rocks to elevate your blood sugar into molasses. By the end of the day I went into a diabetic coma, but not before slapping my co-workers and drop-kicking my boss’ wussy little weener dog into a wall. And the commercials! The relentless commercials, everywhere you fucking turn somebody is trying to sell you shit! Mothafuckas never let you forget that “it’s the time for giving”, which to me implies that if they’re in such a giving mood I should just walk right into Foot Locker and take all the Nikes and Timbs I want. In fact, I’m going to try that right now and if they complain I’ll shove a cactus in their colon and tell those thorny-assed fucks that it’s the season for shopping – stop acting like you’re into the idea of giving and sharing shit, when all you really want is for me to buy that shit from you!
I’m sick of this so-called “holiday cheer”. It’s a euphemism that masks the real reason for all that cheer – the anticipation of getting free shit. Apparently I’ve had it wrong all along; Christmas isn’t about remembering a man who preached unconditional love and wisdom, it’s about getting free shit! It’s not about spirituality or religious observance or shit like that, it’s about who’s got the biggest, brightest, most energy-consuming Nativity scene on the block. Thanks for hogging the juice, assholes. I bet less than 5% of the people who put up Christmas trees and lights and mistletoes and Nativity scenes even go to church on Christmas. In fact, quite a lot of these people aren’t even Christians. That’s some genius shit right there. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re not a Christian you shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate Christmas and get the week off. That’d be like me, an agnostic, observing Ramadan and starving to death half the day; meanwhile real Muslims look at me like “what a dumb fuck”.
But perhaps it makes perfect sense after all. Maybe the phrase “Happy Holidays” is appropriate given the real reason we celebrate this holiday season – CONSUMERISM! We’re not really observing Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, are we? Fuck no! Like I said, it’s about getting free shit. In this country, we celebrate Consumerism, America’s one true religion! I should have known that in a secular government you couldn’t really have a national holiday in commemoration of a religious figure, because that would be unconstitutional! “In God We Trust”, indeed! That shit is printed on our MONEY – MONEY IS OUR GOD – IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! Money is our god, shopping malls are the holy temples, and ravenous spending, and outspending, and the maxing-out of the credit cards are the holy rituals that we perform in honor of the Invisible Hand. Instead of Christmas trees, we true believers of the Almighty (Dollar) should all set up a big ass scale model replica of the new Freedom Tower and roast communists under an open fire. We keep the Sabbath holy by shelling out cash at the Temple of Stonestown Mall and buy our family and friends love in the form of X-Box 360s, 3 pairs of boxer briefs, and cash certificates to Macy’s.
Actually, an X-Box 360 would kick ass!
So again, why does it not piss me off that people are calling it Happy Holidays rather than Merry Christmas? In case you missed it, here’s why – because I’m ashamed of the shameless joke that Christmas has become. Just this once, I’m glad retailers are caving in to political correctness, as well they probably should. I’d rather you celebrate greed and empty gestures of goodwill in the name of secular materialism than pin it all on Jesus. He didn’t preach that superficial shit. To all the Jews out there – you guys don’t know how fucking good you’ve got it.